My Plans

Well, while I'm waiting to get my answer from insurance, I've got other stuff I'm working on.

Number one, I'm planning on going back to school in the Spring. I want to be an Ultrasound Tech. There's a program offered by the community college and I'm a mixture of excited and terrified. Excited because I want to get educated and start a career. Gonna need the money for plastics (joking, mostly). Terrified because I haven't been in school for 15 years.

Number two, I need to get my GED. That's right, I didn't finish high school. The shame the embarrassment, I know, I'm over it. Without going into too many details, I had a crappy home life and untreated ADHD. School was hell and so was living at home. The thing that sucks is that I'm back at home, but I've got a support system that I never had before, Jeff. Yay for that.

Tres, girly girls are back in school. Those with children of school age know what this means. It's hard work to have kids in school. Especially ones that have ADHD themselves. I have to find a perfect balance of school, sports, homework (sucks for parents too), playtime, reading, dance, showers, brushing of the teeth, correct paper work being filled out and turned back in, and the list goes on. Lets just say I'm not the best at all of that, but I try. Just so everyone knows, it doesn't get easier as they get older, just different.

Four, all of the little things. I've got thinning hair, so I'm trying this new hair regrowth stuff and I have high hopes. Still on my pre op diet, still, ya I can't wait to just get the surgery. I'm trying to get in the habit of taking vitamins. Those calcium's are huge and I don't know how I'll swallow them after I get my tiny tummy. Dealing with the stress that is living with my mother and having to listen to people tell me that they believe that we could move out and they have no freaking idea of our situation but they magically know more about it than I do....::breath:: Believe me when I say, as soon as I can leave, there will be tracks out the door, mmK.

Excuse me while I go and take my multi vit and do some math pages.

Oh, and on an AWESOME note! We found a dance school for Lindsay that we can afford!!! Lindsay has been passionate about dance her whole life. Last years bad dance experience almost ruined it, but she has a renewed fire! I get so excited when I see my kids love something. Life is good.

Still Nothing

I called today to my surgeon's coordinator and she's not heard anything back yet. She doesn't think it's a no though, so that's good. I'm still bracing for the denial. I'll probably bug her again tomorrow. It'll be two weeks I've waited tomorrow, come on now!

Oh and my birthday was this week, I turned 33. I'm loving my 30's honestly. I feel like this is going to be the best decade of my life so far. I'll be thin and healthy again. I'm going to go back to school and have my own career. My girls are growing up and it's fun to have real conversations with them. I've got a whole new lease on life. I feel better than I ever have and it's for real. I truly feel light and happy. That's been missing from my life for probably 10 years.

I've totally broke my diet this week you know. It was my last hurrah's before surgery. I've had pasta (all you can eat), cake, bread, corn dogs, cheese cake, PANCAKES, and other such carby delicacies. I'm back in the saddle again tomorrow. I don't mind it either. Carbs are OK, but I don't feel like I HAVE to have them anymore.

I'll write more when I know more. Fingers crossed!!!

No News

I should hear this week if I am approved. I wasn't worried, but now I am a little bit. I don't have a two year weight history. You see, I haven't had insurance during most of my adult life. I've been consistently around 300 though. I had insurance in 2005 and 2006, but that's too far apart. I did participate in a ADD drug study in 2007. I sent in my weight for that year and I visited urgent care in 2010. Nothing in 2009 though. I had completely forgot to write a letter explaining this. I was going to include it in the submittal.

I talked with my insurance advocate and she said not to worry about it. She was going to hand deliver it to the person that is going to approve it and she'd explain. Not to say that I don't believe her, I've just come to the conclusion that you shouldn't leave things of this nature entirely in someone else's hands. I'll call her tomorrow and see what's up. I hope that if I get denied, I can fight it. If i can't, I will just wait till next year when I have a proven weight history of over a 35 bmi for 2 years. I've already waited for 10 years. You know I must have somehow dropped a ton of weight between 2008-2009 and then gained it all back just in time for 2010. Tricky, tricky, tricky!

If anyone is reading my blog, did you have an easy approval?

Little Trip

Still waiting to hear for approval. Should I call the surgeon's office? I think I will. I was going to wait for tomorrow so it could have a weeks time, but eh, I want to bug them.

Gonna take a little trip up to Spokane today. We have the absolute best pediatrician over there. When we were forced to move away, I just couldn't change Dr. for the girls. So, we drive up every three months for the check up. If there is ever an emergency here we just go to urgent care. That's what we had to do in Spokane anyway. I think I still have hopes of getting back to Spokane. Our house is there and things we love are there. Who knows. We also want to move to Florida.

I've lost almost 30 lbs since the Dr. has seen me. I wonder if he or any of his staff will notice? I wonder if they'll say anything after my surgery? I just wonder how people will react to me. The people that have only ever known FAT Heidi. I'm so excited to be of a normal healthy size that I expect all reaction to be positive, but I know that ain't always true. I think/hope I'll have a good head on my shoulders and not let people get me down.

I've been thin before. I know what a healthy weight is on me. I've been down to 120 and was fine. My goal is 130-135, but honestly I'll be happy if I'm more. I want to shop normal and live healthy. OH SHOPPING!!! HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!!! SHOOOOOOOOOES!!! Someday Heidi, someday.

Lovely

I only knew her briefly, but we were a kindred pair. Stephanie was a sweet, bright spot on this planet. Someone that just made you smile. She left behind a grieving family and a devoted, devastated boyfriend. She was the love of his life.

She wanted to be free from the prison that was her body. She wanted it so badly, in my opinion she put her own safety aside for a chance at a happy and healthy new life. I feel guilty that I didn't push harder for another option. She might still be here.

She loved her family. She loved her boyfriend. She loved her cats and her little lizard. She loved photography. She loved I Love Lucy and Harry Potter. On a side note, she told me her patronus would either be a dolphin or a sea lion. She was whimsical and lovely. When I think of Stephanie Capek, I think of the word Lovely. She just was.

You will be dearly, sorely, deeply, and truly missed. I only wish I was able to meet you in person. I would have been better for it I'm sure.

If you want to get a small glimpse into her world this is a link to her blog.

Loooooooong Day

Drove 9 hours in the car yesterday. Saw 3 or 4 accidents, one was very bad. It involved a motorcycle. We listened to Harry Potter book 7 so that was nice. The last movie was a pretty good representation of it. Oh yeah, we submitted for my pre-approval!!!

I know it's going to be approved. I'm just sure of it. I've done what they've asked and I've kept in close contact with my insurance over the matter. Now I just have to wait. ::BIG SMILE::

Bad thing, I didn't weigh in very well at the visit. I actually cried when I was talking to the girl doing all of my info. I was so frustrated and hungry. I was trying to do the all liquids thing to make the scale move. I'm telling you now, I can't do it till I HAVE too and even then it's gong to be a big struggle.

It's not that far away! I'm betting in a month I'll be switched and on my way to health and hotness again.

Tomorrow Is It

I'm going up to Seattle for my final appointment before we submit for approval. I am excited, nay, pee my pants excited! One thing I'm not excited for is that I haven't lost enough weight. I've lost, I think, 5 lbs. It keeps fluctuating really. I weigh in at 282 and then I'll shoot up to 285. Grrrr. I'm going to pound liquid today and tomorrow and keep the food light. I've got to keep the number at 282, or less. I say this after I just had sweet and sour chicken for lunch....BAD HEIDI!!!

It will take up to two weeks to get approval, but usually they'll let you know before then. I think I've got everything. I hope the psych eval has been faxed and I know we're still waiting for my useless NUT's notes.

Till tomorrow I'm taking today as a Heidi day. I've survived another year of birthdays for my girls and yesterday was Lindsay's. We spent the day doing Lindsay stuff. I spent the afternoon finishing her cupcakes and making sure candy bags were equally per portioned and fair. I also had to crack the whip on the birthday girl because she hadn't cleaned up her room. A clean room is essential for a sleep over. Late night, early morning. Made breakfast got the girls out. I found myself at Double Dragon having some sweet and sour chicken, reading my book and enjoying my own booth. Gonna go get a massage and see a movie. I'll call Jeff's mom and see if they can eat at her house tonight cause Mama ain't cookin'! Not that Jeff isn't capable of cooking, he had a long evening and early morning too. The girls are also going to spend the night over at Grandma D's so dinner for one more wouldn't be a stretch.

It's You I Like, Every Part Of You

I bought a beautiful green sundress. I haven't had a sun dress in I can't even count the amount of years. It's pretty hot where I live. We're averaging in the 90's. I saw this dress and it jumped into my cart, it was mine and I couldn't leave the store without it. I feel so pretty in it, dare I say sexy?

I read a lot on the OH boards about people never thinking that they are pretty even after loosing all of their weight. I know how they feel, I've been there, but I don't feel like them anymore. Well of course I have those days when I'm sure I look like crap and that it's just the way it is. Usually though, I think I'm pretty decent. I owe this to two things. Well, it's really 3, but I mention therapy enough.

Number one, my husband. He has been with me through thick and thin and yes, I'm referring to my ass. He has told me everyday that I'm beautiful or how hot I am. He truly adores me and he has built my self esteem up. Growing up I didn't have very much if any positive reinforcement. I didn't think I was very pretty, someone was always prettier than me. I was told I was chubby or fat from the time I was 11 and I can assure you that I wasn't. I didn't think too much of myself, until Jeff came and set me straight. It took a few years too.

Number two, Mr. Rogers. OH YA! My girls and I love Mr. Rogers and he has amazing songs. That show is so therapeutic and reassuring. I'd watch with my girls and sing the songs with them. One of my favorites was It's You I Like. I'd listen to this song and really try to take it to heart and tell my girls to do so as well. I remember my 20 something self crying while hearing this song and Lindsay touching my cheek saying, "Don't cry Momma". Abbey hugging my neck tight and saying, "We love you Momma don't cry". I was crying happy tears though. Thanks Mr. R. I also just found a Mr. Rogers record with this song on it and I had to throw it on the record player.

It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair--
But it's you I like.
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you--
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys--
They're just beside you.

But it's you I like--
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
Even when you're feeling blue
That it's you I like,
It's you yourself,
It's you, it's you I like.

I know I'm beautiful and lovable, but everyone is. You just have to find it or have someone help you find it.

When I'm Thin.....

I was having a really bad week last week. Family issues, money issues, and just issues. Yuck. I started a thread on OH and it was all about the things you want to do after the weight is gone.

People would be surprised at how much life obese people miss out on. Simple things are denied. Most fun things are as well. I'm sad and pissed off that I've missed out on so many things. I don't want to take life for granted after I'm thin. I probably can't promise that to myself, but I will try to remember what it's been like.

So, I only put up my top 5 on OH, but I'm going to write out as many as I can think of here.

I swear, it's like the "what I'd buy is I won the lottery" game, but this is really going to happen. Believe me when I say that I'm as excited as if I won a ton of money. I feel like my life will start over for a reason, it's because it totally is!

1. Look hot. I know I look hot to Jeff, but I want to look hot to myself.

2. Shop at any damn store I want and find something in my size.

3. Grow my hair longer. I'll probably need extensions to fill it out, it's wispy.

4. Get a sexy little black dress and look sexy in it.

5. Fit into any table or booth in any restaurant I ever choose to go to.

6. Ride any amusement park ride comfortably and not have them shove my fat every which way
to get the bar down. That happened. I've also had to get up and leave a ride.

7. Play on a softball team and coach my girl's sports teams.

8. Fit in an airplane comfortably and not need a belt extender.

9. Wear high heels

10. Ride a bike

11. Roller skate

12. Put my picture on facebook

13. Join an improv group or join community theater. I may suck, but it's always been a dream.

14. Wear a bikini. This will probably wait till after plastic surgery.

15. Go to a night club. I've never been to one.

16. Ride a horse

17. Get the silver Manolo Blahnik's that Carrie wore in Sex and the City.

18. Enjoy shoe shopping. I only have what happens to fit me and that ain't much.

19. Eat fat and protein with total abandon!

20. Dress up for Halloween and not look ridiculous.

21. Not be ashamed or hide from people that used to only know me when I was thin.

22. Have a garden and have the stamina to maintain it.

23. Have my children not be embarrassed by their fat mom. Not that they are, just so they won't
ever have to be.

24. Buy sexy underwear and look good in them.

25. Go to a water park and go down every single slide without injury.

I know there is more, but these are some of the BIG ones. I can't wait.