I Can't Sleep

Sorry for the lack of posts that i said I was gonna post and then didn't post cuz I'm flaky like that. We ended up bringing Lindsay with us to Seattle. She is having the hardest time with this and is very scared. She was sick over me leaving her. For the record, she is never like that, it's just not her style. She is my laid back, do what you want, go with the flow kid. She's not the drama queen, so when she had the meltdown that she did, I knew I was bringing her.

We've changed plans so often on what to do with her. Bringing her was against my better judgement so I'm doing what I do, I'm rolling with the punches. She cried tonight and I just feel helpless.

It's almost midnight. The time when I have to cut off everything that goes in my stomach. I haven't pooped today, not good. I was hoping for something, but no. I haven't eaten too much today and I've only had maybe 70 oz of fluids. My preferred veins are all bruised and used up it seems from the iron infusions. They better find someplace to put that damn iv, because it sure as hell isn't going in my hand. NO WAY.

I'm scared. Apparently it is normal, I got an email from OH confirming that I'm normal. ::smile:: I know that my surgeon is one of the best and most skilled at this surgery. I told him about Stephanie today. He sad and held my hand and was genuinely sad, disgusted, and outraged at what had happened to her. He then went into detail about the surgery, his stats, how many he's lost (it's 4 and they didn't die from something surgery related), and that he's done thousands of surgeries. I'm in good hands, I'm in good hands, I'm in good hands.....Heidi, you're in good hands.

I'm heading to bed for the few hours that I may receive some kind gift from the Sandman. Hopefully I shall return tomorrow and feel good enough to report about how it went. Please keep me in your thoughts and my dear sweet and beloved family.

Can't Do A Countdown

I just can't go through with it. I think of my dearly departed, yet never forgotten, friend Stephanie. I remember her countdown and now it looks like a death clock on her blog. I went to go visit her over there and I had to leave. Seeing her so excited before and counting down the days, now has a different meaning.

I think about her everyday. I didn't know her as well as her close friends and family, but I felt I was on my way. I imagined going to visit her in Arizona and she'd come and see me in Washington. We'd go on the DS cruise and laugh, joke, eat fatty foods, and just all around enjoy each others company.

The other night Jeff took me out for a drive and I started to bug out. I was talking about what I would want said at my funeral. Make absolute sure you talk about how much I love my girls. Make sure that everyone knows that I loved them above everything. Tell everybody I was a good mom, please. I am a good mom aren't I? Am I being selfish for having this surgery? I don't want to leave my girls.

I'm not sure how I feel about this Thursday. When Jeff got his job that included wls in it's health insurance I was so elated you couldn't bring me down. Same thing when I got my approval. Now, I feel numb mixed with fear, apprehension, and anxiety. I just want the day to come and be over with. The days are drawing near and my dreams are getting weirder. Last night I woke up during surgery and Dr. Srikanth was rearranging my intestines and they were blue balloon animals.

I won't do a countdown, but I will post everyday till Thursday. I don't know if anyone reads this blog or if the numbers in my stats are just from spammers. Meh, I'm still writing. I hope that someone, someday will benefit from at least one thing I've said. I know that when I was pre-op that I loved to come across weight loss blogs.

There will be swim suit pictures....you've been warned. Oh, and a random picture of my now newly blond hair. Not sure if it'll stay.

Still Going

I'm pushing protein, but I need to get more in probably. I get about 90g a day, that's pretty respectable. I do need to get more fluids. 2 quarts is just a minimum intake, but I'm either full or lazy so.....

I did weigh myself this morning and the scale read 277.something. I'm not going to really believe that scale. It's burned me before, I just can't believe it! If I do and go to the doctors I'm 5 lbs heavier. I may go over to my in law's house and use their scale. It's usually a little more trustworthy.

Anyhow, carry on. 6 days to go.

Day Two Of...

OK, I'm a total loser guys. I just can't do the all clear thing for 10 days. I'm having to modify it. As much as I respect my surgeon and I feel like I'm in good hands, I feel that this 10 day clear thing is a bit extreme. I was also miserable, yes it was only 1 and a half days. I feel like a failure, but at the same time I don't.

I'm going to replace 1 meal with a shake, drink tons of liquid, have a small lunch or second shake, and then a high protein/ low fat/ low carb dinner. The goal is to shrink the liver. I've been looking at what other people did for their prep and it's similar to what I've been doing since May. Some people do nothing at all, I'm not doing that, but just sayin'.

Bottom line, I feel good about my weight loss, I feel good about my choice, and I feel good about my upcoming surgery. I think I'll be fine and more sane because I'll have a little bit more food in my system.

Day One Of Liquid Diet

Clear liquid mind you, there'll be no split pea soup or yogurt eating here! I feel like this.

I'm drinking my Crystal Lite, I'm making protein shakes with coffee and Crystal Lite, I did have some broth, and I did......have a tiny bite of brownie. I made it through day one.

My Date

I'm getting switched on the 22nd of September. I check into the hospital at 5:30 AM....yes, AM. I don't even want to think about what time I'm going to need to be up to do that.

On Monday I'm going to start my clear liquids only diet for 10 days. I'm seriously having anxiety over this. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'll do it, I'll just struggle. So, it's all clear liquid, sugar free, but I can have protein powder. The doctor told me to mix my protein powder with water to make a pasty pudding, then eat it that way. BARF!!!

This is what I'm thinking. I'm going to make some yummy broths, eat a bunch of egg drop soup, and come up with interesting concoctions with my protein powder. Like, how about different flavors of Crystal Light and vanilla powder? Perhaps chilled coffee, chocolate powder, and sugar free chocolate syrup? Uuugh, still not sounding good. I should get some unflavored protein powder for my broths.

Also, I'm thinking I'm going to miss chewing. I wonder how concentrated I can make sugar free jello till it's nice and rubbery? My SIL said during her liquids she boiled some short ribs and chewed on them and just spit out the gristley meat. I may get to that point.

I'm trying not to go crazy with the food right now, but I just can't help myself. I feel like I'm on death food row. Nom Nom Nom.

YES!

I am approved, oh happy day! I'm not sure what day the surgery is going to be, but it needs to be in September. They have tentative days of the 13, 14, and the 22. YAY!!! Now I've got to get all of my stuff ready. I've been thinking about protein powder, liquid diet, soft food diet, and vitamins to name a few. So, alright! Lets get this thing going! :)