Communications have broken down currently the the house I live in. I'm no longer on speaking terms with my mother and really, I'm relieved. When I move she won't exist. The only reason I bring it up is that I haven't weighed myself since before the fallout and the scale is in her room. I won't be able to get my own scale till Friday, so no weighing in. This morning I watched her leave the house. I knew it was time to make my move. I hurried downstairs, went in her bathroom, threw off my clothes and weighed my self. 245 baby. ::smile:: I quickly repeated that process in reverse and got the hell out of there. Who knows how long she'll be gone?
After feeling content with myself I went into the kitchen to make myself a protein shake. This always stresses me out. I have this powder that is a really good one, but it's vanilla and the things I do to it don't make it very drinkable. I want chocolate. I'm a firm chocolate girl. The only chocolate syrup I have is a Hershey's sugar free, but it uses sugar alcohols and for a DS'er that spells gas and diarrhea. I've got to get my protein in though. So I'm just standing in the kitchen, staring at the counter, and trying to decide what to do. Bottom line, I need protein. I grab the half n half, protein powder, and that damn syrup that I know I'll regret in a few hours and make myself up a shake. I would take the powder back, but alas, I can't find the receipt and I'm not giving it away. I can't afford to. I'm broke people! I'll drink that crap down and I'll be grateful that I have it to drink down!
My other problem with protein is that I can not eat enough protein in the day. I am not feeling hungry yet. I'm just not. I know I've got fellow surgery buddies that are about as far out as me and they eat all day long. I just can't do that. I eat one little chicken piece, not even 1/2 an once and I'm up to the top with food and it doesn't pass for an hour. I know it won't be like this forever.
Then there's fluids. I've spent a few days very stressed and possibly depressed over what's going on with my mother. I'd spend a few days without getting out of bed and not drinking anything. I didn't want to go downstairs and have a blowout or even deal with her. So, I laid in bed, took naps, and vegged. The whole time feeling paralyzed that I couldn't get up and do something with myself. I still feel this way, but I'm trying to make myself function. The really bad part is that it made me sway into the dehydration column and that is bad, so bad. It's hard to get out of too. I'm working on it, but it makes you feel like crap in the mean time.
VITAMINS! ARG! Who'd have thought these would be such a pain in the ass? I'm trying to take just the multi and the calcium. They feel like jagged little bits that scratch at my stomach on the way down then sit like a rock in my gut. It's hard to not barf them back up. I have to cut my pills up in order to take them. Uh, they broke my pill cutter. Those little bastards broke my damn pill cutter. I've only had it for a week! It makes me wonder if other people have to buy new pill cutters every week, or did I just get the junky one? I don't know, but I'm getting a new one on Friday.
On the home front there is a light at the end of this hellish tunnel. We are looking to get out of here hopefully by March. I'm getting ready to go back to school and I just want to start a new life and that is going to be without some of my family members. I'm OK with it. They have done and said things that I know for a fact they will NEVER apologize for. Through therapy I've come to the conclusion that just because you are related to them doesn't mean they get to be part of your life. If they are destructive, toxic, abusive, or just plain bad for you, cut them out. So that's what I'm doing. That's what's up with me at the moment. I do have some more pictures to put up. I had my first post surgery clothes shopping trip and I want to model what I have.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
4 Weeks Ago...
I was drugged and felt like my feet had been busted up. That's right, I'm four weeks out, we'll call that a month and let's put some pictures up shall we? Oh, we shall. I'll put up a before picture for reference.
I didn't really think I looked that much different, but I guess I do. I haven't weighed myself in a few days. I don't know if I'm in the 140's or not. I guess I could do it tomorrow. I'm starting to get some energy back. My stomach sutures don't hardly hurt, unless I try to lay on my stomach. I get diarrhea from my protein drinks. I know why I do, but at the moment I don't care. That protein is better than no protein. Um, I can kind of eat, but it's recreational. I don't need it. I'm not hungry. Mostly all day I just drink and maybe I'll have a little something to chew on. Overall, doing good. Other than my hair looks like crap because I run out of energy to really do it. Just excuse that.
I didn't really think I looked that much different, but I guess I do. I haven't weighed myself in a few days. I don't know if I'm in the 140's or not. I guess I could do it tomorrow. I'm starting to get some energy back. My stomach sutures don't hardly hurt, unless I try to lay on my stomach. I get diarrhea from my protein drinks. I know why I do, but at the moment I don't care. That protein is better than no protein. Um, I can kind of eat, but it's recreational. I don't need it. I'm not hungry. Mostly all day I just drink and maybe I'll have a little something to chew on. Overall, doing good. Other than my hair looks like crap because I run out of energy to really do it. Just excuse that.
Friday, October 14, 2011
French Press
Eh Ehm. Attention people who use the French press (my mother). Please clean the damn thing up after you use it. We are not your maids although you like to think and live that way. I'd like to use a clean press for my protein coffees in the morning. Get off of your lazy ass and clean it. I'm tired of doing it for you. I clean it after I use it, that's why it's nice and clean for your usage. Duh.
That is all.
This message brought to you by I'm tired of your crap and I can't wait to move into my own place foundation and Sears and Roebuck.
That is all.
This message brought to you by I'm tired of your crap and I can't wait to move into my own place foundation and Sears and Roebuck.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
After The Hotel
I spent two nights in the hotel. I still wasn't ready to go home and needed somewhere to stay. My wonderful aunt Cindy had offered me her house months before I had the surgery. I also have another wonderful aunt Karen who offered me her house as well. I have to say, in the midst of being shunned and not wanted by some family, it's nice to know some still love you.
I was glad to be at Cindy's though. She has a pull out bed in her living room couch. I know, hide-a-beds yuck, but this one has a pillow topped air mattress that never goes flat. It was also at just the right height for me to get in and out of. That was a big thing. We just piled up 50 pillows and drugged me up.
I needed Jeff's help everyday to get out of bed and back into it. It did get better everyday. I also had to get my fluids in. I was shooting for at least 64oz, Jeff was shooting for at least 80. Most of the time we met in the middle. Stuff I had and preferred were water, mint tea, beef broth, and watered down Crystal Light. All poured in to 5 little plastic cups. Drink one, wait 5 minutes and then drink another. Jeff really needs a medal, it was like taking care of a newborn.
I ended up going home earlier than I expected. I should've stayed in town for at least 10 days after surgery. Jeff was leaving to go back home. Work needed him back and he'd taken all the days he could. I would've been fine there by myself, but then I talked to the girls on the phone. Abbey sounded worn out and wanted me home. Abbey who was strong in the beginning, had started to crumble. I couldn't ignore it, she needed me. Both of my girls did and I felt it was the right thing to do. I still believe that it was.
I got home from a long car ride. My horrendous periods started up a few days after surgery. I had to go to the ER a week or so ago for it. It's getting better now, but I'm still going to see a new OB about getting an ablation.
I'm still sore in some spots on my tummy. One recently has gotten worse. I've been advised to get a binder from a medical supply store. I think I will do that. I'm able to drink my fluids no problem. It takes me 45 min to eat an egg, baby steps, baby steps. I am improving, just not as fast as I want. I want to be eating and driving and whatever I feel like. Not happening. I need to come to terms that I just had a HUGE surgery and I need time to heal.
Next post I'll put up some pictures. I've almost lost 30lbs since day of surgery. Yay!
I was glad to be at Cindy's though. She has a pull out bed in her living room couch. I know, hide-a-beds yuck, but this one has a pillow topped air mattress that never goes flat. It was also at just the right height for me to get in and out of. That was a big thing. We just piled up 50 pillows and drugged me up.
I needed Jeff's help everyday to get out of bed and back into it. It did get better everyday. I also had to get my fluids in. I was shooting for at least 64oz, Jeff was shooting for at least 80. Most of the time we met in the middle. Stuff I had and preferred were water, mint tea, beef broth, and watered down Crystal Light. All poured in to 5 little plastic cups. Drink one, wait 5 minutes and then drink another. Jeff really needs a medal, it was like taking care of a newborn.
I ended up going home earlier than I expected. I should've stayed in town for at least 10 days after surgery. Jeff was leaving to go back home. Work needed him back and he'd taken all the days he could. I would've been fine there by myself, but then I talked to the girls on the phone. Abbey sounded worn out and wanted me home. Abbey who was strong in the beginning, had started to crumble. I couldn't ignore it, she needed me. Both of my girls did and I felt it was the right thing to do. I still believe that it was.
I got home from a long car ride. My horrendous periods started up a few days after surgery. I had to go to the ER a week or so ago for it. It's getting better now, but I'm still going to see a new OB about getting an ablation.
I'm still sore in some spots on my tummy. One recently has gotten worse. I've been advised to get a binder from a medical supply store. I think I will do that. I'm able to drink my fluids no problem. It takes me 45 min to eat an egg, baby steps, baby steps. I am improving, just not as fast as I want. I want to be eating and driving and whatever I feel like. Not happening. I need to come to terms that I just had a HUGE surgery and I need time to heal.
Next post I'll put up some pictures. I've almost lost 30lbs since day of surgery. Yay!
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Post Surgery 2
Apparently I was tipped up on my feet the whole 8 hours of surgery. Dead weight on my poor little footies was not good. They hurt worse than my stomach. Jeff said when I was coherent, I was saying how much my feet hurt. The outside is still sore and numb. The pinkie toe and the one next to it are still partially paralyzed. Crazy. I had no idea I'd be operated on that way. I thought I had all of the info on this surgery. Guess not! :) Now you know I suppose.
They took my catheter out too soon which sucked. Getting up on my feet was excruciating and with the aid of a walker, I'd shuffle over to the bathroom and try to pee. The worst part was having this annoying NA coming in every few minutes threatening me with a new catheter if I didn't pee. I told her to stop telling me that, but she wouldn't listen. Finally my night nurse Abdul came in to see how I was doing. I told Abdul to keep that woman away from me and she needs to shut the hell up about catheters. Abdul is the man, so he made it happen. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the night unless absolutely necessary. I did have to have a catheter put back in. Uhhg.
The day after surgery I was trying out drinking with my new stomach and my favorite beverages were water and mint tea. Oooo and beef broth, it just hit the spot. Anything sugary was just not good. I don't think I started getting enough fluids in until maybe day 3 or 4 after surgery. I was getting about 70 oz. Jeff is the hero of that story. He'd pour them, set the timer, and wake me up to drink it. I was doing 1 oz every 5 minutes. Jeff was really amazing. It was like taking care of a newborn. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
Lindsay joined us on the second day of the hospital and that was the same day that I was released. I only stayed one night and it really was enough. For me anyway, I felt it was fine. I was on oral pain med, I peed on my own, and there was nothing that Jeff couldn't do for me.
We checked into a hotel about 10 min away from the hospital and were there for two nights. I slept in a roll away bed with tons of pillows to prop me up. Lindsay was happy as a clam getting to be with Mama and seeing that she was alive and alright. She handled everything so well. She needed to come and that was the right decision. I also talked to my therapist about it and she agrees.
Those days at the hospital were spent sleeping, sipping, walking the halls, trying to remember how to pee, and having colon dropping out of your butt diarrhea. Blasting gas and liquid. I was not prepared. Jeff tried not to laugh. I don't blame him. What guy doesn't find humor in vicious fart sounds? Well, my guy does for sure. I laughed too. It was EPIC.
So that was the second section of my post surgery. I'll compose more later. Tonight we head back to Seattle for a 2 week follow up appointment. I'll also be stopping by Vitalady's store. Kinda excited for that. I'm sure she won't be there, but you never know.
They took my catheter out too soon which sucked. Getting up on my feet was excruciating and with the aid of a walker, I'd shuffle over to the bathroom and try to pee. The worst part was having this annoying NA coming in every few minutes threatening me with a new catheter if I didn't pee. I told her to stop telling me that, but she wouldn't listen. Finally my night nurse Abdul came in to see how I was doing. I told Abdul to keep that woman away from me and she needs to shut the hell up about catheters. Abdul is the man, so he made it happen. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the night unless absolutely necessary. I did have to have a catheter put back in. Uhhg.
The day after surgery I was trying out drinking with my new stomach and my favorite beverages were water and mint tea. Oooo and beef broth, it just hit the spot. Anything sugary was just not good. I don't think I started getting enough fluids in until maybe day 3 or 4 after surgery. I was getting about 70 oz. Jeff is the hero of that story. He'd pour them, set the timer, and wake me up to drink it. I was doing 1 oz every 5 minutes. Jeff was really amazing. It was like taking care of a newborn. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.
Lindsay joined us on the second day of the hospital and that was the same day that I was released. I only stayed one night and it really was enough. For me anyway, I felt it was fine. I was on oral pain med, I peed on my own, and there was nothing that Jeff couldn't do for me.
We checked into a hotel about 10 min away from the hospital and were there for two nights. I slept in a roll away bed with tons of pillows to prop me up. Lindsay was happy as a clam getting to be with Mama and seeing that she was alive and alright. She handled everything so well. She needed to come and that was the right decision. I also talked to my therapist about it and she agrees.
Those days at the hospital were spent sleeping, sipping, walking the halls, trying to remember how to pee, and having colon dropping out of your butt diarrhea. Blasting gas and liquid. I was not prepared. Jeff tried not to laugh. I don't blame him. What guy doesn't find humor in vicious fart sounds? Well, my guy does for sure. I laughed too. It was EPIC.
So that was the second section of my post surgery. I'll compose more later. Tonight we head back to Seattle for a 2 week follow up appointment. I'll also be stopping by Vitalady's store. Kinda excited for that. I'm sure she won't be there, but you never know.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Post Surgery
Sorry that it has taken me a while to get on here and post. Only for the last few days I've felt up to going online, talking on the phone, or even being able to watch a TV show without losing interest. Funny how narcotics and surgery do that.
Surgery was difficult. Instead of the projected 5 hours it took 8. Dr. S had back up plans that included going open, doing just a sleeve, and doing a pouch instead of a sleeve. The only reason he would have to do that is if he started cutting and a problem with one of my stomach parts arose. I let him know that I would rather have my old stomach than a pouch, he listened and assured me that it would ONLY be done if it were the ONLY alternative to no stomach at all. The assisting nurse afterward came over to me and said, "I've been operating with him for 6 years and he has always given the patient their chosen surgery. It's just a contingency plan, you'll be OK." I felt better. And really, I'm glad that he had plans in place in case the proverbial shit hit the fan.
One of the complications he encountered was that my duodenum didn't want to separate from my pancreas. He spent a lot of time working on that and had it not come away he may have had to revert to another type of surgery. I'm so very glad that he didn't give up on it. You can see how another surgery type may have been needed.
Another, was that my fat body was very misleading on how my innards would play out during surgery. Normally someone of my weight would have a stretched out abdominal wall, thus providing a nice roomy workspace once I'm all filled with gas. Instead, he found a tight like a six pack little abdominal wall, thicker than normal. Also, I suppose I'm a very tiny person under all of this fat. My organs were all smaller than what most people have and very compact. Moving around proved very difficult. Instead of my originally planned 5 ports of entry he needed to make 10.
When Dr. S came to Jeff after surgery, he looked exhausted yet upbeat and positive. Poor Jeff was a nervous wreck to say the least. I won't go into too many details of his day, but he broke down a couple of times.
Bottom line, I'm on the dark side. I got the surgery I wanted and Dr. S fought for it. That man earned his money that day and probably should've gotten more. I understand program fees now and I believe they deserve them. I've been told that my weight loss up until now is mostly, if not all water. I've been losing about 2 lbs a day so yesterday I was down 17 lbs since my weigh in the morning of surgery.
I'll make further entries on this subject detailing out pain, experience, and poop. Stay tuned! :)
Surgery was difficult. Instead of the projected 5 hours it took 8. Dr. S had back up plans that included going open, doing just a sleeve, and doing a pouch instead of a sleeve. The only reason he would have to do that is if he started cutting and a problem with one of my stomach parts arose. I let him know that I would rather have my old stomach than a pouch, he listened and assured me that it would ONLY be done if it were the ONLY alternative to no stomach at all. The assisting nurse afterward came over to me and said, "I've been operating with him for 6 years and he has always given the patient their chosen surgery. It's just a contingency plan, you'll be OK." I felt better. And really, I'm glad that he had plans in place in case the proverbial shit hit the fan.
One of the complications he encountered was that my duodenum didn't want to separate from my pancreas. He spent a lot of time working on that and had it not come away he may have had to revert to another type of surgery. I'm so very glad that he didn't give up on it. You can see how another surgery type may have been needed.
Another, was that my fat body was very misleading on how my innards would play out during surgery. Normally someone of my weight would have a stretched out abdominal wall, thus providing a nice roomy workspace once I'm all filled with gas. Instead, he found a tight like a six pack little abdominal wall, thicker than normal. Also, I suppose I'm a very tiny person under all of this fat. My organs were all smaller than what most people have and very compact. Moving around proved very difficult. Instead of my originally planned 5 ports of entry he needed to make 10.
When Dr. S came to Jeff after surgery, he looked exhausted yet upbeat and positive. Poor Jeff was a nervous wreck to say the least. I won't go into too many details of his day, but he broke down a couple of times.
Bottom line, I'm on the dark side. I got the surgery I wanted and Dr. S fought for it. That man earned his money that day and probably should've gotten more. I understand program fees now and I believe they deserve them. I've been told that my weight loss up until now is mostly, if not all water. I've been losing about 2 lbs a day so yesterday I was down 17 lbs since my weigh in the morning of surgery.
I'll make further entries on this subject detailing out pain, experience, and poop. Stay tuned! :)
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