Update

It's 7 weeks today. I feel pretty good. I don't have any pain, but I do get tired in my stomach muscles after a long day. I'm down 71 lbs since starting the weight loss on Easter. Kind of cool.

Some new good things going on. A lovely person sent me a bunch of her jeans that don't fit her anymore. They are size 20 and 18. 20's fit me fine, now keep in mind that I don't put much stock in sizing. There is such a thing as vanity sizing. I say this because I have and wear pants from a 20-24 and I think one is even a 26. The 18's can be put on and zipped up, but they're tight and the puff on the top is substantial.

Other exciting clothes adventures have been coming to me through thrift store shopping. It's a little treasure hunt and I've found some good stuff and for really good/cheap prices. I've decided that I'm going to extend the thrift clothes to the whole family, as much as I can anyway. When you're on a tight budget you've got to make it work. I just wish we lived in Spokane again. They have more and better thrift stores.

We have a projected moving out time which is really good. I can't tell you how much I want to have my own place again. I dream, cry, and stress over it. I want it so bad, I want my old house more, but I know that's not going to happen. Having my own family space though will be amazing.

I'm on track to be going back to school. We got hit hard by the recession and we are working hard to get back to where we were. It's going to take both Jeff and I to get us there and I'm excited about it. Also a bit terrified.

On a final note, I'm getting my uterus cauterized on the 17th so wish me luck. I'm hoping it's an end to my problems and I'll feel good again.

Next week will be the 8 week mark and I'll put up some pictures.

More Pounds Down

Communications have broken down currently the the house I live in. I'm no longer on speaking terms with my mother and really, I'm relieved. When I move she won't exist. The only reason I bring it up is that I haven't weighed myself since before the fallout and the scale is in her room. I won't be able to get my own scale till Friday, so no weighing in. This morning I watched her leave the house. I knew it was time to make my move. I hurried downstairs, went in her bathroom, threw off my clothes and weighed my self. 245 baby. ::smile:: I quickly repeated that process in reverse and got the hell out of there. Who knows how long she'll be gone?

After feeling content with myself I went into the kitchen to make myself a protein shake. This always stresses me out. I have this powder that is a really good one, but it's vanilla and the things I do to it don't make it very drinkable. I want chocolate. I'm a firm chocolate girl. The only chocolate syrup I have is a Hershey's sugar free, but it uses sugar alcohols and for a DS'er that spells gas and diarrhea. I've got to get my protein in though. So I'm just standing in the kitchen, staring at the counter, and trying to decide what to do. Bottom line, I need protein. I grab the half n half, protein powder, and that damn syrup that I know I'll regret in a few hours and make myself up a shake. I would take the powder back, but alas, I can't find the receipt and I'm not giving it away. I can't afford to. I'm broke people! I'll drink that crap down and I'll be grateful that I have it to drink down!

My other problem with protein is that I can not eat enough protein in the day. I am not feeling hungry yet. I'm just not. I know I've got fellow surgery buddies that are about as far out as me and they eat all day long. I just can't do that. I eat one little chicken piece, not even 1/2 an once and I'm up to the top with food and it doesn't pass for an hour. I know it won't be like this forever.

Then there's fluids. I've spent a few days very stressed and possibly depressed over what's going on with my mother. I'd spend a few days without getting out of bed and not drinking anything. I didn't want to go downstairs and have a blowout or even deal with her. So, I laid in bed, took naps, and vegged. The whole time feeling paralyzed that I couldn't get up and do something with myself. I still feel this way, but I'm trying to make myself function. The really bad part is that it made me sway into the dehydration column and that is bad, so bad. It's hard to get out of too. I'm working on it, but it makes you feel like crap in the mean time.

VITAMINS! ARG! Who'd have thought these would be such a pain in the ass? I'm trying to take just the multi and the calcium. They feel like jagged little bits that scratch at my stomach on the way down then sit like a rock in my gut. It's hard to not barf them back up. I have to cut my pills up in order to take them. Uh, they broke my pill cutter. Those little bastards broke my damn pill cutter. I've only had it for a week! It makes me wonder if other people have to buy new pill cutters every week, or did I just get the junky one? I don't know, but I'm getting a new one on Friday.

On the home front there is a light at the end of this hellish tunnel. We are looking to get out of here hopefully by March. I'm getting ready to go back to school and I just want to start a new life and that is going to be without some of my family members. I'm OK with it. They have done and said things that I know for a fact they will NEVER apologize for. Through therapy I've come to the conclusion that just because you are related to them doesn't mean they get to be part of your life. If they are destructive, toxic, abusive, or just plain bad for you, cut them out. So that's what I'm doing. That's what's up with me at the moment. I do have some more pictures to put up. I had my first post surgery clothes shopping trip and I want to model what I have.

4 Weeks Ago...

I was drugged and felt like my feet had been busted up. That's right, I'm four weeks out, we'll call that a month and let's put some pictures up shall we? Oh, we shall. I'll put up a before picture for reference.

















































































































I didn't really think I looked that much different, but I guess I do. I haven't weighed myself in a few days. I don't know if I'm in the 140's or not. I guess I could do it tomorrow. I'm starting to get some energy back. My stomach sutures don't hardly hurt, unless I try to lay on my stomach. I get diarrhea from my protein drinks. I know why I do, but at the moment I don't care. That protein is better than no protein. Um, I can kind of eat, but it's recreational. I don't need it. I'm not hungry. Mostly all day I just drink and maybe I'll have a little something to chew on. Overall, doing good. Other than my hair looks like crap because I run out of energy to really do it. Just excuse that.

French Press

Eh Ehm. Attention people who use the French press (my mother). Please clean the damn thing up after you use it. We are not your maids although you like to think and live that way. I'd like to use a clean press for my protein coffees in the morning. Get off of your lazy ass and clean it. I'm tired of doing it for you. I clean it after I use it, that's why it's nice and clean for your usage. Duh.

That is all.

This message brought to you by I'm tired of your crap and I can't wait to move into my own place foundation and Sears and Roebuck.

After The Hotel

I spent two nights in the hotel. I still wasn't ready to go home and needed somewhere to stay. My wonderful aunt Cindy had offered me her house months before I had the surgery. I also have another wonderful aunt Karen who offered me her house as well. I have to say, in the midst of being shunned and not wanted by some family, it's nice to know some still love you.

I was glad to be at Cindy's though. She has a pull out bed in her living room couch. I know, hide-a-beds yuck, but this one has a pillow topped air mattress that never goes flat. It was also at just the right height for me to get in and out of. That was a big thing. We just piled up 50 pillows and drugged me up.

I needed Jeff's help everyday to get out of bed and back into it. It did get better everyday. I also had to get my fluids in. I was shooting for at least 64oz, Jeff was shooting for at least 80. Most of the time we met in the middle. Stuff I had and preferred were water, mint tea, beef broth, and watered down Crystal Light. All poured in to 5 little plastic cups. Drink one, wait 5 minutes and then drink another. Jeff really needs a medal, it was like taking care of a newborn.

I ended up going home earlier than I expected. I should've stayed in town for at least 10 days after surgery. Jeff was leaving to go back home. Work needed him back and he'd taken all the days he could. I would've been fine there by myself, but then I talked to the girls on the phone. Abbey sounded worn out and wanted me home. Abbey who was strong in the beginning, had started to crumble. I couldn't ignore it, she needed me. Both of my girls did and I felt it was the right thing to do. I still believe that it was.

I got home from a long car ride. My horrendous periods started up a few days after surgery. I had to go to the ER a week or so ago for it. It's getting better now, but I'm still going to see a new OB about getting an ablation.

I'm still sore in some spots on my tummy. One recently has gotten worse. I've been advised to get a binder from a medical supply store. I think I will do that. I'm able to drink my fluids no problem. It takes me 45 min to eat an egg, baby steps, baby steps. I am improving, just not as fast as I want. I want to be eating and driving and whatever I feel like. Not happening. I need to come to terms that I just had a HUGE surgery and I need time to heal.

Next post I'll put up some pictures. I've almost lost 30lbs since day of surgery. Yay!

Post Surgery 2

Apparently I was tipped up on my feet the whole 8 hours of surgery. Dead weight on my poor little footies was not good. They hurt worse than my stomach. Jeff said when I was coherent, I was saying how much my feet hurt. The outside is still sore and numb. The pinkie toe and the one next to it are still partially paralyzed. Crazy. I had no idea I'd be operated on that way. I thought I had all of the info on this surgery. Guess not! :) Now you know I suppose.

They took my catheter out too soon which sucked. Getting up on my feet was excruciating and with the aid of a walker, I'd shuffle over to the bathroom and try to pee. The worst part was having this annoying NA coming in every few minutes threatening me with a new catheter if I didn't pee. I told her to stop telling me that, but she wouldn't listen. Finally my night nurse Abdul came in to see how I was doing. I told Abdul to keep that woman away from me and she needs to shut the hell up about catheters. Abdul is the man, so he made it happen. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the night unless absolutely necessary. I did have to have a catheter put back in. Uhhg.

The day after surgery I was trying out drinking with my new stomach and my favorite beverages were water and mint tea. Oooo and beef broth, it just hit the spot. Anything sugary was just not good. I don't think I started getting enough fluids in until maybe day 3 or 4 after surgery. I was getting about 70 oz. Jeff is the hero of that story. He'd pour them, set the timer, and wake me up to drink it. I was doing 1 oz every 5 minutes. Jeff was really amazing. It was like taking care of a newborn. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.

Lindsay joined us on the second day of the hospital and that was the same day that I was released. I only stayed one night and it really was enough. For me anyway, I felt it was fine. I was on oral pain med, I peed on my own, and there was nothing that Jeff couldn't do for me.

We checked into a hotel about 10 min away from the hospital and were there for two nights. I slept in a roll away bed with tons of pillows to prop me up. Lindsay was happy as a clam getting to be with Mama and seeing that she was alive and alright. She handled everything so well. She needed to come and that was the right decision. I also talked to my therapist about it and she agrees.

Those days at the hospital were spent sleeping, sipping, walking the halls, trying to remember how to pee, and having colon dropping out of your butt diarrhea. Blasting gas and liquid. I was not prepared. Jeff tried not to laugh. I don't blame him. What guy doesn't find humor in vicious fart sounds? Well, my guy does for sure. I laughed too. It was EPIC.

So that was the second section of my post surgery. I'll compose more later. Tonight we head back to Seattle for a 2 week follow up appointment. I'll also be stopping by Vitalady's store. Kinda excited for that. I'm sure she won't be there, but you never know.

Post Surgery

Sorry that it has taken me a while to get on here and post. Only for the last few days I've felt up to going online, talking on the phone, or even being able to watch a TV show without losing interest. Funny how narcotics and surgery do that.

Surgery was difficult. Instead of the projected 5 hours it took 8. Dr. S had back up plans that included going open, doing just a sleeve, and doing a pouch instead of a sleeve. The only reason he would have to do that is if he started cutting and a problem with one of my stomach parts arose. I let him know that I would rather have my old stomach than a pouch, he listened and assured me that it would ONLY be done if it were the ONLY alternative to no stomach at all. The assisting nurse afterward came over to me and said, "I've been operating with him for 6 years and he has always given the patient their chosen surgery. It's just a contingency plan, you'll be OK." I felt better. And really, I'm glad that he had plans in place in case the proverbial shit hit the fan.

One of the complications he encountered was that my duodenum didn't want to separate from my pancreas. He spent a lot of time working on that and had it not come away he may have had to revert to another type of surgery. I'm so very glad that he didn't give up on it. You can see how another surgery type may have been needed.

Another, was that my fat body was very misleading on how my innards would play out during surgery. Normally someone of my weight would have a stretched out abdominal wall, thus providing a nice roomy workspace once I'm all filled with gas. Instead, he found a tight like a six pack little abdominal wall, thicker than normal. Also, I suppose I'm a very tiny person under all of this fat. My organs were all smaller than what most people have and very compact. Moving around proved very difficult. Instead of my originally planned 5 ports of entry he needed to make 10.

When Dr. S came to Jeff after surgery, he looked exhausted yet upbeat and positive. Poor Jeff was a nervous wreck to say the least. I won't go into too many details of his day, but he broke down a couple of times.

Bottom line, I'm on the dark side. I got the surgery I wanted and Dr. S fought for it. That man earned his money that day and probably should've gotten more. I understand program fees now and I believe they deserve them. I've been told that my weight loss up until now is mostly, if not all water. I've been losing about 2 lbs a day so yesterday I was down 17 lbs since my weigh in the morning of surgery.

I'll make further entries on this subject detailing out pain, experience, and poop. Stay tuned! :)

I Can't Sleep

Sorry for the lack of posts that i said I was gonna post and then didn't post cuz I'm flaky like that. We ended up bringing Lindsay with us to Seattle. She is having the hardest time with this and is very scared. She was sick over me leaving her. For the record, she is never like that, it's just not her style. She is my laid back, do what you want, go with the flow kid. She's not the drama queen, so when she had the meltdown that she did, I knew I was bringing her.

We've changed plans so often on what to do with her. Bringing her was against my better judgement so I'm doing what I do, I'm rolling with the punches. She cried tonight and I just feel helpless.

It's almost midnight. The time when I have to cut off everything that goes in my stomach. I haven't pooped today, not good. I was hoping for something, but no. I haven't eaten too much today and I've only had maybe 70 oz of fluids. My preferred veins are all bruised and used up it seems from the iron infusions. They better find someplace to put that damn iv, because it sure as hell isn't going in my hand. NO WAY.

I'm scared. Apparently it is normal, I got an email from OH confirming that I'm normal. ::smile:: I know that my surgeon is one of the best and most skilled at this surgery. I told him about Stephanie today. He sad and held my hand and was genuinely sad, disgusted, and outraged at what had happened to her. He then went into detail about the surgery, his stats, how many he's lost (it's 4 and they didn't die from something surgery related), and that he's done thousands of surgeries. I'm in good hands, I'm in good hands, I'm in good hands.....Heidi, you're in good hands.

I'm heading to bed for the few hours that I may receive some kind gift from the Sandman. Hopefully I shall return tomorrow and feel good enough to report about how it went. Please keep me in your thoughts and my dear sweet and beloved family.

Can't Do A Countdown

I just can't go through with it. I think of my dearly departed, yet never forgotten, friend Stephanie. I remember her countdown and now it looks like a death clock on her blog. I went to go visit her over there and I had to leave. Seeing her so excited before and counting down the days, now has a different meaning.

I think about her everyday. I didn't know her as well as her close friends and family, but I felt I was on my way. I imagined going to visit her in Arizona and she'd come and see me in Washington. We'd go on the DS cruise and laugh, joke, eat fatty foods, and just all around enjoy each others company.

The other night Jeff took me out for a drive and I started to bug out. I was talking about what I would want said at my funeral. Make absolute sure you talk about how much I love my girls. Make sure that everyone knows that I loved them above everything. Tell everybody I was a good mom, please. I am a good mom aren't I? Am I being selfish for having this surgery? I don't want to leave my girls.

I'm not sure how I feel about this Thursday. When Jeff got his job that included wls in it's health insurance I was so elated you couldn't bring me down. Same thing when I got my approval. Now, I feel numb mixed with fear, apprehension, and anxiety. I just want the day to come and be over with. The days are drawing near and my dreams are getting weirder. Last night I woke up during surgery and Dr. Srikanth was rearranging my intestines and they were blue balloon animals.

I won't do a countdown, but I will post everyday till Thursday. I don't know if anyone reads this blog or if the numbers in my stats are just from spammers. Meh, I'm still writing. I hope that someone, someday will benefit from at least one thing I've said. I know that when I was pre-op that I loved to come across weight loss blogs.

There will be swim suit pictures....you've been warned. Oh, and a random picture of my now newly blond hair. Not sure if it'll stay.

Still Going

I'm pushing protein, but I need to get more in probably. I get about 90g a day, that's pretty respectable. I do need to get more fluids. 2 quarts is just a minimum intake, but I'm either full or lazy so.....

I did weigh myself this morning and the scale read 277.something. I'm not going to really believe that scale. It's burned me before, I just can't believe it! If I do and go to the doctors I'm 5 lbs heavier. I may go over to my in law's house and use their scale. It's usually a little more trustworthy.

Anyhow, carry on. 6 days to go.

Day Two Of...

OK, I'm a total loser guys. I just can't do the all clear thing for 10 days. I'm having to modify it. As much as I respect my surgeon and I feel like I'm in good hands, I feel that this 10 day clear thing is a bit extreme. I was also miserable, yes it was only 1 and a half days. I feel like a failure, but at the same time I don't.

I'm going to replace 1 meal with a shake, drink tons of liquid, have a small lunch or second shake, and then a high protein/ low fat/ low carb dinner. The goal is to shrink the liver. I've been looking at what other people did for their prep and it's similar to what I've been doing since May. Some people do nothing at all, I'm not doing that, but just sayin'.

Bottom line, I feel good about my weight loss, I feel good about my choice, and I feel good about my upcoming surgery. I think I'll be fine and more sane because I'll have a little bit more food in my system.

Day One Of Liquid Diet

Clear liquid mind you, there'll be no split pea soup or yogurt eating here! I feel like this.

I'm drinking my Crystal Lite, I'm making protein shakes with coffee and Crystal Lite, I did have some broth, and I did......have a tiny bite of brownie. I made it through day one.

My Date

I'm getting switched on the 22nd of September. I check into the hospital at 5:30 AM....yes, AM. I don't even want to think about what time I'm going to need to be up to do that.

On Monday I'm going to start my clear liquids only diet for 10 days. I'm seriously having anxiety over this. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I'll do it, I'll just struggle. So, it's all clear liquid, sugar free, but I can have protein powder. The doctor told me to mix my protein powder with water to make a pasty pudding, then eat it that way. BARF!!!

This is what I'm thinking. I'm going to make some yummy broths, eat a bunch of egg drop soup, and come up with interesting concoctions with my protein powder. Like, how about different flavors of Crystal Light and vanilla powder? Perhaps chilled coffee, chocolate powder, and sugar free chocolate syrup? Uuugh, still not sounding good. I should get some unflavored protein powder for my broths.

Also, I'm thinking I'm going to miss chewing. I wonder how concentrated I can make sugar free jello till it's nice and rubbery? My SIL said during her liquids she boiled some short ribs and chewed on them and just spit out the gristley meat. I may get to that point.

I'm trying not to go crazy with the food right now, but I just can't help myself. I feel like I'm on death food row. Nom Nom Nom.

YES!

I am approved, oh happy day! I'm not sure what day the surgery is going to be, but it needs to be in September. They have tentative days of the 13, 14, and the 22. YAY!!! Now I've got to get all of my stuff ready. I've been thinking about protein powder, liquid diet, soft food diet, and vitamins to name a few. So, alright! Lets get this thing going! :)

My Plans

Well, while I'm waiting to get my answer from insurance, I've got other stuff I'm working on.

Number one, I'm planning on going back to school in the Spring. I want to be an Ultrasound Tech. There's a program offered by the community college and I'm a mixture of excited and terrified. Excited because I want to get educated and start a career. Gonna need the money for plastics (joking, mostly). Terrified because I haven't been in school for 15 years.

Number two, I need to get my GED. That's right, I didn't finish high school. The shame the embarrassment, I know, I'm over it. Without going into too many details, I had a crappy home life and untreated ADHD. School was hell and so was living at home. The thing that sucks is that I'm back at home, but I've got a support system that I never had before, Jeff. Yay for that.

Tres, girly girls are back in school. Those with children of school age know what this means. It's hard work to have kids in school. Especially ones that have ADHD themselves. I have to find a perfect balance of school, sports, homework (sucks for parents too), playtime, reading, dance, showers, brushing of the teeth, correct paper work being filled out and turned back in, and the list goes on. Lets just say I'm not the best at all of that, but I try. Just so everyone knows, it doesn't get easier as they get older, just different.

Four, all of the little things. I've got thinning hair, so I'm trying this new hair regrowth stuff and I have high hopes. Still on my pre op diet, still, ya I can't wait to just get the surgery. I'm trying to get in the habit of taking vitamins. Those calcium's are huge and I don't know how I'll swallow them after I get my tiny tummy. Dealing with the stress that is living with my mother and having to listen to people tell me that they believe that we could move out and they have no freaking idea of our situation but they magically know more about it than I do....::breath:: Believe me when I say, as soon as I can leave, there will be tracks out the door, mmK.

Excuse me while I go and take my multi vit and do some math pages.

Oh, and on an AWESOME note! We found a dance school for Lindsay that we can afford!!! Lindsay has been passionate about dance her whole life. Last years bad dance experience almost ruined it, but she has a renewed fire! I get so excited when I see my kids love something. Life is good.

Still Nothing

I called today to my surgeon's coordinator and she's not heard anything back yet. She doesn't think it's a no though, so that's good. I'm still bracing for the denial. I'll probably bug her again tomorrow. It'll be two weeks I've waited tomorrow, come on now!

Oh and my birthday was this week, I turned 33. I'm loving my 30's honestly. I feel like this is going to be the best decade of my life so far. I'll be thin and healthy again. I'm going to go back to school and have my own career. My girls are growing up and it's fun to have real conversations with them. I've got a whole new lease on life. I feel better than I ever have and it's for real. I truly feel light and happy. That's been missing from my life for probably 10 years.

I've totally broke my diet this week you know. It was my last hurrah's before surgery. I've had pasta (all you can eat), cake, bread, corn dogs, cheese cake, PANCAKES, and other such carby delicacies. I'm back in the saddle again tomorrow. I don't mind it either. Carbs are OK, but I don't feel like I HAVE to have them anymore.

I'll write more when I know more. Fingers crossed!!!

No News

I should hear this week if I am approved. I wasn't worried, but now I am a little bit. I don't have a two year weight history. You see, I haven't had insurance during most of my adult life. I've been consistently around 300 though. I had insurance in 2005 and 2006, but that's too far apart. I did participate in a ADD drug study in 2007. I sent in my weight for that year and I visited urgent care in 2010. Nothing in 2009 though. I had completely forgot to write a letter explaining this. I was going to include it in the submittal.

I talked with my insurance advocate and she said not to worry about it. She was going to hand deliver it to the person that is going to approve it and she'd explain. Not to say that I don't believe her, I've just come to the conclusion that you shouldn't leave things of this nature entirely in someone else's hands. I'll call her tomorrow and see what's up. I hope that if I get denied, I can fight it. If i can't, I will just wait till next year when I have a proven weight history of over a 35 bmi for 2 years. I've already waited for 10 years. You know I must have somehow dropped a ton of weight between 2008-2009 and then gained it all back just in time for 2010. Tricky, tricky, tricky!

If anyone is reading my blog, did you have an easy approval?

Little Trip

Still waiting to hear for approval. Should I call the surgeon's office? I think I will. I was going to wait for tomorrow so it could have a weeks time, but eh, I want to bug them.

Gonna take a little trip up to Spokane today. We have the absolute best pediatrician over there. When we were forced to move away, I just couldn't change Dr. for the girls. So, we drive up every three months for the check up. If there is ever an emergency here we just go to urgent care. That's what we had to do in Spokane anyway. I think I still have hopes of getting back to Spokane. Our house is there and things we love are there. Who knows. We also want to move to Florida.

I've lost almost 30 lbs since the Dr. has seen me. I wonder if he or any of his staff will notice? I wonder if they'll say anything after my surgery? I just wonder how people will react to me. The people that have only ever known FAT Heidi. I'm so excited to be of a normal healthy size that I expect all reaction to be positive, but I know that ain't always true. I think/hope I'll have a good head on my shoulders and not let people get me down.

I've been thin before. I know what a healthy weight is on me. I've been down to 120 and was fine. My goal is 130-135, but honestly I'll be happy if I'm more. I want to shop normal and live healthy. OH SHOPPING!!! HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!!! SHOOOOOOOOOES!!! Someday Heidi, someday.

Lovely

I only knew her briefly, but we were a kindred pair. Stephanie was a sweet, bright spot on this planet. Someone that just made you smile. She left behind a grieving family and a devoted, devastated boyfriend. She was the love of his life.

She wanted to be free from the prison that was her body. She wanted it so badly, in my opinion she put her own safety aside for a chance at a happy and healthy new life. I feel guilty that I didn't push harder for another option. She might still be here.

She loved her family. She loved her boyfriend. She loved her cats and her little lizard. She loved photography. She loved I Love Lucy and Harry Potter. On a side note, she told me her patronus would either be a dolphin or a sea lion. She was whimsical and lovely. When I think of Stephanie Capek, I think of the word Lovely. She just was.

You will be dearly, sorely, deeply, and truly missed. I only wish I was able to meet you in person. I would have been better for it I'm sure.

If you want to get a small glimpse into her world this is a link to her blog.

Loooooooong Day

Drove 9 hours in the car yesterday. Saw 3 or 4 accidents, one was very bad. It involved a motorcycle. We listened to Harry Potter book 7 so that was nice. The last movie was a pretty good representation of it. Oh yeah, we submitted for my pre-approval!!!

I know it's going to be approved. I'm just sure of it. I've done what they've asked and I've kept in close contact with my insurance over the matter. Now I just have to wait. ::BIG SMILE::

Bad thing, I didn't weigh in very well at the visit. I actually cried when I was talking to the girl doing all of my info. I was so frustrated and hungry. I was trying to do the all liquids thing to make the scale move. I'm telling you now, I can't do it till I HAVE too and even then it's gong to be a big struggle.

It's not that far away! I'm betting in a month I'll be switched and on my way to health and hotness again.

Tomorrow Is It

I'm going up to Seattle for my final appointment before we submit for approval. I am excited, nay, pee my pants excited! One thing I'm not excited for is that I haven't lost enough weight. I've lost, I think, 5 lbs. It keeps fluctuating really. I weigh in at 282 and then I'll shoot up to 285. Grrrr. I'm going to pound liquid today and tomorrow and keep the food light. I've got to keep the number at 282, or less. I say this after I just had sweet and sour chicken for lunch....BAD HEIDI!!!

It will take up to two weeks to get approval, but usually they'll let you know before then. I think I've got everything. I hope the psych eval has been faxed and I know we're still waiting for my useless NUT's notes.

Till tomorrow I'm taking today as a Heidi day. I've survived another year of birthdays for my girls and yesterday was Lindsay's. We spent the day doing Lindsay stuff. I spent the afternoon finishing her cupcakes and making sure candy bags were equally per portioned and fair. I also had to crack the whip on the birthday girl because she hadn't cleaned up her room. A clean room is essential for a sleep over. Late night, early morning. Made breakfast got the girls out. I found myself at Double Dragon having some sweet and sour chicken, reading my book and enjoying my own booth. Gonna go get a massage and see a movie. I'll call Jeff's mom and see if they can eat at her house tonight cause Mama ain't cookin'! Not that Jeff isn't capable of cooking, he had a long evening and early morning too. The girls are also going to spend the night over at Grandma D's so dinner for one more wouldn't be a stretch.

It's You I Like, Every Part Of You

I bought a beautiful green sundress. I haven't had a sun dress in I can't even count the amount of years. It's pretty hot where I live. We're averaging in the 90's. I saw this dress and it jumped into my cart, it was mine and I couldn't leave the store without it. I feel so pretty in it, dare I say sexy?

I read a lot on the OH boards about people never thinking that they are pretty even after loosing all of their weight. I know how they feel, I've been there, but I don't feel like them anymore. Well of course I have those days when I'm sure I look like crap and that it's just the way it is. Usually though, I think I'm pretty decent. I owe this to two things. Well, it's really 3, but I mention therapy enough.

Number one, my husband. He has been with me through thick and thin and yes, I'm referring to my ass. He has told me everyday that I'm beautiful or how hot I am. He truly adores me and he has built my self esteem up. Growing up I didn't have very much if any positive reinforcement. I didn't think I was very pretty, someone was always prettier than me. I was told I was chubby or fat from the time I was 11 and I can assure you that I wasn't. I didn't think too much of myself, until Jeff came and set me straight. It took a few years too.

Number two, Mr. Rogers. OH YA! My girls and I love Mr. Rogers and he has amazing songs. That show is so therapeutic and reassuring. I'd watch with my girls and sing the songs with them. One of my favorites was It's You I Like. I'd listen to this song and really try to take it to heart and tell my girls to do so as well. I remember my 20 something self crying while hearing this song and Lindsay touching my cheek saying, "Don't cry Momma". Abbey hugging my neck tight and saying, "We love you Momma don't cry". I was crying happy tears though. Thanks Mr. R. I also just found a Mr. Rogers record with this song on it and I had to throw it on the record player.

It's you I like,
It's not the things you wear,
It's not the way you do your hair--
But it's you I like.
The way you are right now,
The way down deep inside you--
Not the things that hide you,
Not your toys--
They're just beside you.

But it's you I like--
Every part of you,
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.
I hope that you'll remember
Even when you're feeling blue
That it's you I like,
It's you yourself,
It's you, it's you I like.

I know I'm beautiful and lovable, but everyone is. You just have to find it or have someone help you find it.

When I'm Thin.....

I was having a really bad week last week. Family issues, money issues, and just issues. Yuck. I started a thread on OH and it was all about the things you want to do after the weight is gone.

People would be surprised at how much life obese people miss out on. Simple things are denied. Most fun things are as well. I'm sad and pissed off that I've missed out on so many things. I don't want to take life for granted after I'm thin. I probably can't promise that to myself, but I will try to remember what it's been like.

So, I only put up my top 5 on OH, but I'm going to write out as many as I can think of here.

I swear, it's like the "what I'd buy is I won the lottery" game, but this is really going to happen. Believe me when I say that I'm as excited as if I won a ton of money. I feel like my life will start over for a reason, it's because it totally is!

1. Look hot. I know I look hot to Jeff, but I want to look hot to myself.

2. Shop at any damn store I want and find something in my size.

3. Grow my hair longer. I'll probably need extensions to fill it out, it's wispy.

4. Get a sexy little black dress and look sexy in it.

5. Fit into any table or booth in any restaurant I ever choose to go to.

6. Ride any amusement park ride comfortably and not have them shove my fat every which way
to get the bar down. That happened. I've also had to get up and leave a ride.

7. Play on a softball team and coach my girl's sports teams.

8. Fit in an airplane comfortably and not need a belt extender.

9. Wear high heels

10. Ride a bike

11. Roller skate

12. Put my picture on facebook

13. Join an improv group or join community theater. I may suck, but it's always been a dream.

14. Wear a bikini. This will probably wait till after plastic surgery.

15. Go to a night club. I've never been to one.

16. Ride a horse

17. Get the silver Manolo Blahnik's that Carrie wore in Sex and the City.

18. Enjoy shoe shopping. I only have what happens to fit me and that ain't much.

19. Eat fat and protein with total abandon!

20. Dress up for Halloween and not look ridiculous.

21. Not be ashamed or hide from people that used to only know me when I was thin.

22. Have a garden and have the stamina to maintain it.

23. Have my children not be embarrassed by their fat mom. Not that they are, just so they won't
ever have to be.

24. Buy sexy underwear and look good in them.

25. Go to a water park and go down every single slide without injury.

I know there is more, but these are some of the BIG ones. I can't wait.

No Particular Subject

I've got to give myself shots of B12 once a week. I about had a panic attack when we picked them up from the pharmacy. Yes, I know it's not a big deal. I freaking hate needles. HATE them. I'm going to have Jeff give them to me. I don't know yet where I'll have him stick me. Just thinking about it makes me start to hyperventilate.

Today I started physical therapy. My therapist looks and talks like an ex-drill instructor, so I've got that going for me. He does posses a kindness though, so I'm happy. I'm working on my left shoulder, left knee, and my right arm has tendentious. Today we just went through stretches and exercises. Next time it'll be more intense and he told me to wear good shoes. I guess my cute little gladiator sandals weren't cutting it.

Oh what else? I hate my family. So, yah. They cause a huge amount of stress in my life. I'm not talking about my husband or my kids. Just certain other immediate members that I can't wait to move the hell away from and have little to no interaction with after I leave. I'll have a bunch to talk about with my therapist next Tuesday.

Also, I'm stuck at 284. I'm dieting really well, but I worry that I won't be able to get down all the way. I only need to loose 4 more pounds to be at my goal of 10% loss. Weight loss has slowed waaaay down. I knew it would. All you people that wonder why she doesn't lose it "on her own" this is why. I reach 10% and then my body feels like its done.

I have my final appointment before submitting on August 12th. Yay! So excited for that, but at the moment the family stuff is sucking all of the happiness out of me. I wonder how I'm going to cope with that after surgery. Probably get angry, cry, and talk to my therapist. I hope that's what I'll do. I know that I'll have to find another way to cope with things because food will be out.

Sorry I'm being negative, I'm having a really off day. Hopefully I'll have a turn around pretty quick.

Seattle Part Three

The Seattle Science Center! It was....not that great. A big letdown for us. An expensive letdown for us. It had two redeeming features, but not worth the price of admission in my opinion. The two good things were the butterfly room and the Beatles laser light show, which we paid extra for. I wish we'd just paid to see the light show and went to the music experience across the street or anything else really. I think if the girls were maybe 5 years younger they would've liked it. Maybe. It seems like they got rid of a bunch of things, it's just not the way I remember it.

First good thing, the butterfly house was humid and hot, just the way I like it. Someday I'll move to Florida and have it all the time. ::sigh:: Florida. ::sigh::

I had a butterfly land on me and stay put for almost the entire time we were in the house. It itched like crazy! That butterfly should count itself lucky I didn't smack it off. It was tickling soooo bad! The girls thought it was REALLY COOL. I guess it was worth it then. It was also on my purse arm. I know you other heavy girls understand that you need to switch the purse arm every little bit.

After the science center we headed to spend a couple of days with my uncle Mike and his lovely wife Cindy. We had amazing donuts and held our first family karaoke party. Um, if you ever want to hear something so beautiful it'll bring a tear to your eye, have me sing Love Hurts for you. ::wink:: It's magical, oh yeah.

Science Center Photo's---

So, there really aren't very many pictures from the science center. Here's one of Jeff at the zoo.

Seattle Part 2

This was zoo day and I swear to you that after walking around for 5 hours, I better have lost some weight!

I've been reading over my Dr. notes. Interesting. I need to have iron infusions and B12 shots. I also need to get some vitD and calcium going before the surgery. Called the surgeon's office to find out what the deal is on the insurance scenario. Did they submit? Will they insist I see another dietitian? Did the office coordinator talk to my insurance advocate? I left a message and haven't heard back and now it's the weekend. It's annoying but I just keep saying, tomorrow is another day! I have an inner Scarlett O'Hara that I channel every once in a while.

Here are the pictures from the zoo. Just so you know, my favorite animals are the hippos, otters, and the orangutans. I also love people watching and there was a bunch to be had at the zoo.

Sometimes I don't think this is a very good weight loss surgery blog. I'm putting too much personal stuff up and pictures, but not enough weight related things. I do want to get a bunch of fat Heidi pics up so I have a bunch to look back on and marvel at my plumpness. Never again will I look and feel this way. That's how my vacation pics pertain to weight loss. I have a substantial butt and I did before I gained all of the weight too. I hope I have a round tukas after I loose it all again. I also hope I retain some of my boobidge too. It's quite plentiful too. Yes, the otter is holding my purse for me. If I had a patronus, it would either be a river otter or a hippopotamus. If you are a nerd like me, you'll know what that is. I don't care if it's the same as Hermione's, I'm older so mine would've been first.

Seattle Part One

Last week I went to visit with Dr. S. It went pretty good. I was down 9lbs, I wanted to be at 10. The nurse was praising me on my weight loss and said that I just needed to be in the 5-10 lb range. (record scratch) What was that? I've been beating myself up over not reaching 10 and I could've been proud with 5?!? Yeeeeaaah. MmmmK. Next.

He and his office were saying how they were going to submit for approval for the surgery that day. (record scraaaatch) Hold the phone, you're going to do what now? It's not been 90 days. Do you people know what the rules are for my insurance? Are you trying to get a denial just for fun? I know you can just re-submit, but it's kind of hard to hear that you've been denied for something that you've desperately wanted for the last 10 years or so.

I've also been going round and round about my need to see a dietitian. I've talked to my insurance advocate and she has assured me that I don't even need to see one. Hell, the fact that I saw one ONCE is more than enough. Dr. S still won't listen. The day I was there he had his dietitian in the office and wanted to see if I could meet with her. Sure. Not for another couple of hours? No, we have plans. Aaaand we did. I also didn't want to spend another 25$ on something that I KNEW I didn't need. Besides, I had an appointment with the aquarium that I'd made weeks earlier and I couldn't cancel on the fish...or the otters, they're my favorite. Squee!

I left them the name and number of my advocate that works for my insurance company. She specializes in bariatrics and the approval for them them. She's also a nurse and from North Carolina. She's not one to be messed with and she knows her stuff. I also happen to love her accent.

I really need to follow up and find out what they decided to do. I really should call them today...where's my phone?

OK, we went to the aquarium and it was cool. Not as cool as it used to be. They used to have demonstrations and shows, but budget cutbacks have been bad. Too sad. :( I am going to share some pictures though. I can't do it on my family blog because I don't post pictures of myself. I'm still too embarrassed of old high school people seeing me. I know, dumb. I'm going to therapy to help me for it among many other things.

For all of the years, and I've been going since I was 3, I have NEVER touched a starfish in the petting pool at the aquarium. When I was little, my parents would try to get me to do it and I was terrified! I was sure it would spring to life, come at me like a ninja with concealed fangs and claws, and latch on to my hand like something from a James Cameron movie!!! I have an overactive imagination. That's an understatement.

Well, I'm embarking on a new me. Jeff said the new me should touch a starfish.I'm soooooo brave. :))

Here are some other fun pics.SQUEEEEEE!!!

4th of July pics

Here are the pics from the 4th. We had a great time at our little water park and my sister in law and her family showed up, totally not planned, but a nice surprise. See that gleaming pasty white skin? It doesn't usually see the sun. It behaved itself and didn't burn. Jeff wasn't so lucky, poor guy. The sunscreen only took in some areas, so he's striped.
We BBQ'd and ate on the patio with our neighbors. Nothing too spectacular, just your typical fare. I did make a delicious strawberry cake dessert. I did have a piece....don't tell my Dr. I figure I won't have much of that kind of stuff for a while. I would like to say it was a small piece thank you. the other lady in the pictures with me is my mom and my neighbor.
Then we lit our illegal fireworks. The girls had tons of sparklers to burn through and they played with roman candles, ground bloom flowers, tanks, and hens. It was good. We did have to go to an empty lot to light off Jeff's apaches. They were just too volatile for a neighborhood, one may have almost hit a car, they were awesome though. I'm pretty tired in this picture and I would like to have it known that I didn't have any make up on, so don't judge me too harshly. :)

Happy 4th!

I'm going to go swimming today. I've been feeling better everyday and I think I'm up for it. I'll take pictures and post them here either late in the evening or tomorrow.

We are going to a small water park. Then heading back home to BBQ with neighbors and setting off fireworks. I got 72 sparklers so no one can complain about not having enough.

Another Meh

Went to the ER last night for the bleeding and cramping mentioned in an earlier post. My abdomen hurts so much I can't stand upright. They gave me something to stop the bleeding, but the cramps are still there. Hurts to walk and really hurts if I have to pee. I'm wondering if I have a bladder infection too? I see the doctor next Friday.

I don't know what to do. Will these problems go away when I lose the weight? I thought I wanted a hysterectomy, but I was reading about the cons of having it so young and paired with my problems and it scared me off a bit. I'm just really anxious to talk to the doc.

I haven't weighed myself. I'm kind of scared to. Last night after getting out of the hospital, dropping off the prescription, waiting for said prescription, we got something to eat. I'm so ashamed...I had a big mac meal......large sized. (covers face in shame) It was good. (back to covering face)

Do You See That?

Right over there on my little weight ticker? I'm in the 280's baby! Everybody do the Cabbage Patch with me. Oh ya, uh huh, who's awesome? It's me!

I've got to keep this weight off and lose a few more lbs to be good for my next weigh in. I need every lb I can get before heading up to Seattle for my appointment on the 13th. I scheduled it in the morning so I'd weigh less, if only I could weigh in naked. They should let you at least strip and wear one of those hospital gowns. Maybe before I go I'll weigh out and find my lightest outfit. I'm also excited because we'll be staying through the rest of the week taking a little family vacation. We soooo need it.

I'm still having the bleeding and cramping, but the weight loss is keeping me in better spirits. I NEED to get some more pictures on here. I also want to do a vlog. I'll work on that.

Meh

I can't sleep. I hate this. I'm having severe uterine bleeding and cramps and nothing is helping. I have a gynecologist appointment on the 8th, but I don't know if that's soon enough.

I've been to doctors and they've never helped with my problem. I've had it for 9 years! 9! I go to the doctor, they see the problem I have and that I'm anemic. What do they do? Oh, I'll tell ya, they tell me I'm fat and to lose weight and my problem will go away, NEXT! Never have I had one of them offer to help the daily bleeding stop. Their way of helping is to tell me to lose the weight (wiping hands)

I've been infertile for most of my child bearing years. Thank goodness that I have two beautiful girls already. There is HUGE discrimination going on. I had one OB refuse to help with infertility because I was overweight. I asked if he could help with the bleeding...lose some weight he says. MOTHER FU****! AAAAAH!

Now that I'm older I'm not putting up with it anymore. My current doctor doesn't know what to do about it so did nothing and didn't even suggest a specialist that might be able to help. He told me to go to Planned Parenthood. I've been. They've helped me this last year, but I was told my problem wasn't something they could help me with "long term". They gave me birth control, but it's not working anymore. I'm still forever indebted to them for making it stop for a few months. That was a miracle. I've dropped said impotent doctor and I'm seeing someone new next week along with the gyno. I assumed that I needed to see a gynecologist. I'm not taking any chances that this doc doesn't know what to do for me either. It's almost two weeks away though.

My hormones are crazy. I'm chained to the bathroom. I'm in pain. I feel like crying at any moment, but can never manage it so I'm on edge. I'm calling around tomorrow and I'll see if ANYONE in town can see me. I don't need/want to go to the ER.

I hope that after I have the surgery and lose weight that my period will get back to normal. I really do. I've relented to the fact that I will not be having any more babies and I'm not too terribly adverse to them ripping the uterus out. I just want the madness to STOP!

I know this isn't a weight loss post, yet it is something that is caused directly from my morbid obesity. If anyone else has these problems you're not alone. I felt alone until I read similar stories on the OH boards. What I'm going through sucks, but it's normal for someone of my BMI. Can't wait till it's over.

Almost out of the 290's

That's right! I weighed myself like 5 times or more this morning to make sure the scale wasn't lying to me. It was 290.2. Wooooo Hooooo! I'm trying to keep to my diet, but I've had a few too many carbs as of late. I suppose it's not affecting the scale. I'm just doing my best. I try to keep to 50 carbs a day or less. Some days it's more like 60-70, those aren't my great days. I need them sometimes though to stay sane.

Today, I'm taking my almost out of the 290's out to the public pool. It's going to be in the 90's today and I want to swim, or float, most likely float. LOL! I just hate it when it's time to get out of the pool. This pool is not one with the nice 0 degree entry, so I need to haul myself out of the water via a ladder. Anyone that has ever been significantly over weight knows that this is hard/tricky/embarrassing to pull off. I want to swim and I'm willing to do it.

Hopefully my next post I'll be over to the 280's.

Activity

I've got a whole summer planned of activities and I'm trying to find the will to do them.

I did get amazing deals on bowling shoes for me and the girls. Eight bucks for all three of us. Not too bad if I do say so myself. The girls have free bowling this summer through a cool program and we added Jeff and I for 24.95.

Can someone please give me a cyber kick in my big fat butt? This is going to be the longest summer of my life. Waiting is hard.

School's Out For Summah!

Today is the last day of school for my two girls. Lindsay will be leaving elementary school and joining the ranks of the dreaded middle school. Is there anyone that made it through middle school unscathed? Abbey will be in 8th grade and will be sharing the same school with little sister once again. This will be interesting, very interesting.

I've got lots of fun activities planned for the summer. I would have more if I lived back in Spokane, but you work with what you've got. I've told/threatened the girls that every morning we were going to get up and go walk around the high school track. We would each do a mile. Oh wait, I'll be the one walking. The girls will be expected to jog it. Upon hearing this news Abbey had a sudden onset of asthma that couldn't be controlled with her multiple puffs on her inhaler. Lindsay could be heard squealing with joy. That kid LOVES exercise and that's not an exaggeration. Lucky ducky.

There will also be a lot of swimming. I only wish that we had the awesome pools of Spokane here. Those pools have slides, play equipment, a great deep end, and I was willing to swim there. I don't know anyone in Spokane other than the people that have always known me as fat. I don't care if they see my fat carcass in my swim suit! But here, I have loads of people from high school that still live here and frequent all of the places I do. I'm trying to work up the nerve to just go on and enjoy myself and not let them stop me. So far, I'm not successful. I really want to do water aerobics at the public pool though....

Surgeon appointment went really well. I showed a 12lbs loss on his scale. Yay! I know that I've lost more than that. I can estimate that my clothes weighed about 1 and a half pounds. I had just finished lunch, so another pound respectively. I'd also throw in a little water weight to boot. So I bet I'm really another 3-4lbs lighter than the scale was letting on. No worries though. I only needed to lose 10. I'll keep that extra in my pocket for next weigh in. Now I just gotta keep keepin' on! Happy Summer to you. Please enjoy the incredibly insensitive, yet accurate, vintage post card.

Gotta get the water out!

My poor face was swollen from last Thursday to 2am this morning. I'll spare you the uh, snotty details, but the point is I feel much, much better! Now I just need to get all of the water in my body to release. I get so puffy when I'm sick, no matter how much I drink.

I've got a surgeon's appointment in two days and I need all the weight off I can get. I'm pounding Crystal light. I hope and wish that I don't loose my taste for it after I have the surgery. I just simply can't handle water. I gag! When I was chronically anemic for 8 years, I drank water and ate ice ALL day long. No cup went empty with me around. Oh, are you going to finish that ice? Yoink. Don't mind if I do! I've gotten my anemia under control since last November and my craving for ice slowly went away as well. Then I wasn't just not interested in it anymore, I was turned off a bit. Now I don't mind ice, though I never chew it, but I just can't stand water. I know, weird.

So, getting the liquid intake under control, check. Walking? I did a mile and half on Sunday. I was doing great! I wanted to do a few more laps, but the all too familiar burning of thigh chaffing was starting to happen. DANG IT!!! I got home and I didn't think it was too bad, wrong. It's not totally the thighs, it's like right were your thighs and butt meet. Walking to get around has been ouch, so walking around the neighborhood has been no. I tried to put on Jeff's spandex compression shorts. First of all, getting them on was, how shall I put this.... like stuffing a cat into a tube sock? I don't know, it wasn't easy. I managed to get them on and pulled up as high as possible and the patch on my right was still irritated. It's better today and I might try the shorts again to attempt a walk tonight. It makes me think I might need a lower body lift after all is said and done. We'll see I suppose.

So there it is. I'm stressed about weigh in and my thigh/butt or thutt, is not so good. I'm also going to do a vlog now that my face doesn't look like the cat lady's. Don't know what I'll talk about, but I'm doing one.

Weigh In

So I was a little bit swollen in my extremities this morning when I weighed myself. I must have had a little too much sodium the day before. I did wake up with a totally swollen forehead though. What's that about? Probably a sinus infection. Awesome.

Well, when I weighed in I was 293.8! Oh ya. I'm down 18 pounds since April 25th. Not to shabby. I'm hoping that I will get praise instead of scorn at my next surgeon's appointment. I travel up to see him on the 9th. I keep thinking if I get down low enough I'll be able to partake in the Godfather's Pizza buffet. I know, bad Heidi!!! Old habits die hard I guess.

And here's a full body shot of me taken tonight. I look a little top heavy I think. I didn't think I was, maybe it's the way Jeff's holding the camera. I just kept thinking, "look how tiny my head looks on that huge body!". It's all right though. I'm not looking back. Keep moving toward the goal.

It's alright, it's allllright!

I had a little bit of the proverbial "falling off the wagon" if you will, this weekend. My cousin came into town and much merriment was had. I ate way to many carbs. Marshmallows were a huge culprit. Can I just say though, I am the freaking champion of roasting those GIANT campfire marshmallows?! I am. (smile)

I've also had the worst flu in like, years. And yes, I had my flu shot. This flu was some kind of mutated turtle flu or something, it was horrible. I couldn't and still can't taste anything. Yet then I go ahead and have a piece of cake at my brother-in-law's birthday party. Can I even taste it? No! Am I screwing up my diet? YES! I hate it when i get into robot eating mode like that. Mindless eating has helped get me to where I am weight wise today. The most ridiculous thing is that I can't even enjoy it. But is that stopping me from putting each forkful of flavorless fluff into my mouth? Sigh. I'm not even going on my walks to help burn it off. Being sick sucks my friends.

Well anyways, I'm going to be better and yes I know that's what the last post was about too. Don't you think that's normal though? Aren't we always trying to be better and move on to bigger and better? Or, messing something up and having to make it right again? I know that I do. Chicken breast and broccoli for dinner tonight baby!

*Special News Flash* I just applied my coconut chapstick and I can kinda smell it! Oh I'm so excited!

Weekly Weigh In

Weighed myself today. I try to limit myself to only once a week. I also do it butt neked and first thing in the morning. Best results that way I think. I'm down 16 lbs baby!!! So, started at 312 and now I'm 296. I even have a handy little weight ticker now. Do you know how long I've wanted one of those? Like, forever! I should post a picture, but I'm not. Next time I will.

I've been on my surgeon supervised diet for a month now. It's been Heidi revised to be quite honest. It's still protein first and fluids, fluids, fluids, but I allow myself more leeway on the carbohydrates. I just couldn't comply to the super strict rules of the original diet. I did for the first two weeks. It was difficult to say the least. Yah, it pretty much sucked. (cue flashback music)

The first two weeks I felt like a drug addict getting detoxed. I was only having only 25 carbs a day, maybe. My youngest daughter Lindsay had some crackers and I nearly tackled her for them! One night I broke down in tears in the car and begged Jeff to drive to the nearest store for a Hostess cherry pie and a glass of milk. Jeff's been supportive of me and my crazy antics throughout the years and he could sense my desperation. This was real desperation, not the dramatics that may or may not go on at times. Jeff then asked me if that was what I needed to do to help refocus. I sobbed yes. I know at least half of that answer was in all seriousness and the other half was my body crying out for carbs. Sweet, delectable, life giving carbs! OK, so maybe I am an addict.

We stopped off at Yokes. My spirits were lifting the closer we got to the treat isle. Aaand the pie was mine. I held that pie in my hands for two hours. Looking at it. Thinking about it. Sugar soaked flaky crust surrounding cherry like substance! I was also thinking, do I really want this? Will this make all of my hard work these last two weeks be for nothing? Screw it! I opened that damn wrapper and took a big bite. It was...just OK. I didn't want it after the first few bites, but having been inducted into the Clean Your Plate Club at an early age, I finished it.

I had an epiphany after that sugar and fat laden treat. I knew I couldn't be as strict with myself like my surgeon wanted me to. I just couldn't do it. At least, not yet. It was however, what I needed to get my resolve back. I reassessed. As I added a few more carbs back into my diet, sanity was added along with them. I am loosing the weight and I'm doing it faster my way. I've noticed that it comes off in chunks. I need to be down 10 pounds by my next visit on June 9th. I'm already there and still going down. I'll need a cushion for some of the water weight I'm sure to put on in the drive up there. I'm doing alright so far.

On my way

I know that most people refer to their weight loss after surgery as a "journey". I've never liked that for some reason or another. I know that it's a very good term for what one goes through, but it always just sounded melodramatic if you will. Please don't hate me! If it works for you, I mean no offense, but it just doesn't fit me.

So, I was thinking, what would I call it? I felt I needed to look back and see how I got to where I am, which is very obese. I will tell you that my weight problems didn't begin until my first pregnancy. In fact, they didn't even start until the third trimester. I was put on bed rest, living at my in-laws, super depressed, super young, and had a very loving husband that would get me anything I wanted. Sadly, everything I wanted was total junk. Taco Bell, Arby's, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and everything in between. I know that they have healthy options at those restaurants, but I wasn't interested. Portion control wasn't in my vocabulary either. Well, that's not entirely true, I wanted more portions and I lost control. Actually, I never had control over my portions throughout my life. I was just always so active that I never had any weight issues. I ate all I wanted of whatever I wanted. I was told constantly that I shouldn't, but in a very passive aggressive way that only my Mother could deliver. I ate to comfort myself since there was none to be had anywhere else. I was taught to believe I was fat around the time I was in the 4th grade. This was total and utter crap, but there it is.

I was built differently than the "normal" girls. I was muscular. I had a booty. I had what was considered a perfect hourglass figure and I didn't ever embrace it. I wanted to be like Kate Moss, Heidi Klum, Christy Turlington, and dear God, Nikki Taylor. Nikki Taylor was the bane of my existence. She was the exact opposite of me. Tall, lean, boy-like figure, tan, and blond. It didn't help that the boy I was in love with at the time had the hots for her. I was curvy and I wanted desperately to be lanky. I have my Welsh/German/Danish pale skin that would burn and freckle if left out in the sun. My hair was a, dare I say, mousy brown, and my eyes matched my hair. I didn't understand that no matter how much I worked out or dieted, I would NEVER look like those girls. I didn't know that there were different body types. If I just tried harder I could look like them. So, that beautiful body was wasted on the likes of me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Once the bed rest started all activity stopped, but the food kept a coming. I had my beautiful baby girl in the summer of 98' and my hubby and I were headed to college in the fall. I was a good 50 lbs heavier then before the pregnancy. College life was very difficult with a baby and a new husband. I leaned hard on my old friend, food, to get me through. I had terrible depression, and I was on anti-depressants, but they did little to help me. I quickly packed on more weight. I was in the 200's and steadily rising. I didn't even notice it. I just kept on going up and up. I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter when I was 265. I was terrified. I was sure I was going to end up 500 lbs after she was born. During that pregnancy I hardly ate at all. I lost weight. I only gained 5 lbs in the last two weeks before I delivered.

Fast forward through the last 10 years. I have done every diet, doctor supervised and on my own. I've tried every form of exercise and bought numerous gym memberships. I lose some and gain it back. I've even applied to the Biggest Loser. Made a video and everything.

I'm ready for a real change and I need help to do it. I'm getting a Duodenal Switch hopefully in August or September. I'm already learning how to eat high protein low carb. I'm on a strict surgeon supervised diet. You might be wondering, "Well, why don't you just keep doing that and lose your weight on your own without surgery?" To that I say, "Because I know I can't do it alone for extended periods of time without a tool to help me." The surgery is that tool. If you don't like it, too bad. It's my life and I'm doing what's right for me. You do you, and let me do me.

What to call this transformation of body, mind, life, and spirit? I'm going to embrace my curves, my goddess's body. I'm going to love my soft luminous complexion, that I get many complements on. And my hair isn't mousy and neither are my eyes, they're gorgeous and warm. What am I calling it? I'm calling it a comeback.