Monday, October 24, 2011

More Pounds Down

Communications have broken down currently the the house I live in. I'm no longer on speaking terms with my mother and really, I'm relieved. When I move she won't exist. The only reason I bring it up is that I haven't weighed myself since before the fallout and the scale is in her room. I won't be able to get my own scale till Friday, so no weighing in. This morning I watched her leave the house. I knew it was time to make my move. I hurried downstairs, went in her bathroom, threw off my clothes and weighed my self. 245 baby. ::smile:: I quickly repeated that process in reverse and got the hell out of there. Who knows how long she'll be gone?

After feeling content with myself I went into the kitchen to make myself a protein shake. This always stresses me out. I have this powder that is a really good one, but it's vanilla and the things I do to it don't make it very drinkable. I want chocolate. I'm a firm chocolate girl. The only chocolate syrup I have is a Hershey's sugar free, but it uses sugar alcohols and for a DS'er that spells gas and diarrhea. I've got to get my protein in though. So I'm just standing in the kitchen, staring at the counter, and trying to decide what to do. Bottom line, I need protein. I grab the half n half, protein powder, and that damn syrup that I know I'll regret in a few hours and make myself up a shake. I would take the powder back, but alas, I can't find the receipt and I'm not giving it away. I can't afford to. I'm broke people! I'll drink that crap down and I'll be grateful that I have it to drink down!

My other problem with protein is that I can not eat enough protein in the day. I am not feeling hungry yet. I'm just not. I know I've got fellow surgery buddies that are about as far out as me and they eat all day long. I just can't do that. I eat one little chicken piece, not even 1/2 an once and I'm up to the top with food and it doesn't pass for an hour. I know it won't be like this forever.

Then there's fluids. I've spent a few days very stressed and possibly depressed over what's going on with my mother. I'd spend a few days without getting out of bed and not drinking anything. I didn't want to go downstairs and have a blowout or even deal with her. So, I laid in bed, took naps, and vegged. The whole time feeling paralyzed that I couldn't get up and do something with myself. I still feel this way, but I'm trying to make myself function. The really bad part is that it made me sway into the dehydration column and that is bad, so bad. It's hard to get out of too. I'm working on it, but it makes you feel like crap in the mean time.

VITAMINS! ARG! Who'd have thought these would be such a pain in the ass? I'm trying to take just the multi and the calcium. They feel like jagged little bits that scratch at my stomach on the way down then sit like a rock in my gut. It's hard to not barf them back up. I have to cut my pills up in order to take them. Uh, they broke my pill cutter. Those little bastards broke my damn pill cutter. I've only had it for a week! It makes me wonder if other people have to buy new pill cutters every week, or did I just get the junky one? I don't know, but I'm getting a new one on Friday.

On the home front there is a light at the end of this hellish tunnel. We are looking to get out of here hopefully by March. I'm getting ready to go back to school and I just want to start a new life and that is going to be without some of my family members. I'm OK with it. They have done and said things that I know for a fact they will NEVER apologize for. Through therapy I've come to the conclusion that just because you are related to them doesn't mean they get to be part of your life. If they are destructive, toxic, abusive, or just plain bad for you, cut them out. So that's what I'm doing. That's what's up with me at the moment. I do have some more pictures to put up. I had my first post surgery clothes shopping trip and I want to model what I have.

1 comment:

Melanee said...

I can understand the family thing all to well. I am sorry. I wish I had some advice about the protein or vitamins (can you eat gummy vitamins or liquid vitamins?)

Your pictures are looking great! I see such an amazing difference. I just wish you were happier and that I could do something to help.

Email me sometime-