Can't Do A Countdown

I just can't go through with it. I think of my dearly departed, yet never forgotten, friend Stephanie. I remember her countdown and now it looks like a death clock on her blog. I went to go visit her over there and I had to leave. Seeing her so excited before and counting down the days, now has a different meaning.

I think about her everyday. I didn't know her as well as her close friends and family, but I felt I was on my way. I imagined going to visit her in Arizona and she'd come and see me in Washington. We'd go on the DS cruise and laugh, joke, eat fatty foods, and just all around enjoy each others company.

The other night Jeff took me out for a drive and I started to bug out. I was talking about what I would want said at my funeral. Make absolute sure you talk about how much I love my girls. Make sure that everyone knows that I loved them above everything. Tell everybody I was a good mom, please. I am a good mom aren't I? Am I being selfish for having this surgery? I don't want to leave my girls.

I'm not sure how I feel about this Thursday. When Jeff got his job that included wls in it's health insurance I was so elated you couldn't bring me down. Same thing when I got my approval. Now, I feel numb mixed with fear, apprehension, and anxiety. I just want the day to come and be over with. The days are drawing near and my dreams are getting weirder. Last night I woke up during surgery and Dr. Srikanth was rearranging my intestines and they were blue balloon animals.

I won't do a countdown, but I will post everyday till Thursday. I don't know if anyone reads this blog or if the numbers in my stats are just from spammers. Meh, I'm still writing. I hope that someone, someday will benefit from at least one thing I've said. I know that when I was pre-op that I loved to come across weight loss blogs.

There will be swim suit pictures....you've been warned. Oh, and a random picture of my now newly blond hair. Not sure if it'll stay.