On my way

I know that most people refer to their weight loss after surgery as a "journey". I've never liked that for some reason or another. I know that it's a very good term for what one goes through, but it always just sounded melodramatic if you will. Please don't hate me! If it works for you, I mean no offense, but it just doesn't fit me.

So, I was thinking, what would I call it? I felt I needed to look back and see how I got to where I am, which is very obese. I will tell you that my weight problems didn't begin until my first pregnancy. In fact, they didn't even start until the third trimester. I was put on bed rest, living at my in-laws, super depressed, super young, and had a very loving husband that would get me anything I wanted. Sadly, everything I wanted was total junk. Taco Bell, Arby's, McDonald's, Pizza Hut, and everything in between. I know that they have healthy options at those restaurants, but I wasn't interested. Portion control wasn't in my vocabulary either. Well, that's not entirely true, I wanted more portions and I lost control. Actually, I never had control over my portions throughout my life. I was just always so active that I never had any weight issues. I ate all I wanted of whatever I wanted. I was told constantly that I shouldn't, but in a very passive aggressive way that only my Mother could deliver. I ate to comfort myself since there was none to be had anywhere else. I was taught to believe I was fat around the time I was in the 4th grade. This was total and utter crap, but there it is.

I was built differently than the "normal" girls. I was muscular. I had a booty. I had what was considered a perfect hourglass figure and I didn't ever embrace it. I wanted to be like Kate Moss, Heidi Klum, Christy Turlington, and dear God, Nikki Taylor. Nikki Taylor was the bane of my existence. She was the exact opposite of me. Tall, lean, boy-like figure, tan, and blond. It didn't help that the boy I was in love with at the time had the hots for her. I was curvy and I wanted desperately to be lanky. I have my Welsh/German/Danish pale skin that would burn and freckle if left out in the sun. My hair was a, dare I say, mousy brown, and my eyes matched my hair. I didn't understand that no matter how much I worked out or dieted, I would NEVER look like those girls. I didn't know that there were different body types. If I just tried harder I could look like them. So, that beautiful body was wasted on the likes of me. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Once the bed rest started all activity stopped, but the food kept a coming. I had my beautiful baby girl in the summer of 98' and my hubby and I were headed to college in the fall. I was a good 50 lbs heavier then before the pregnancy. College life was very difficult with a baby and a new husband. I leaned hard on my old friend, food, to get me through. I had terrible depression, and I was on anti-depressants, but they did little to help me. I quickly packed on more weight. I was in the 200's and steadily rising. I didn't even notice it. I just kept on going up and up. I found out I was pregnant with my second daughter when I was 265. I was terrified. I was sure I was going to end up 500 lbs after she was born. During that pregnancy I hardly ate at all. I lost weight. I only gained 5 lbs in the last two weeks before I delivered.

Fast forward through the last 10 years. I have done every diet, doctor supervised and on my own. I've tried every form of exercise and bought numerous gym memberships. I lose some and gain it back. I've even applied to the Biggest Loser. Made a video and everything.

I'm ready for a real change and I need help to do it. I'm getting a Duodenal Switch hopefully in August or September. I'm already learning how to eat high protein low carb. I'm on a strict surgeon supervised diet. You might be wondering, "Well, why don't you just keep doing that and lose your weight on your own without surgery?" To that I say, "Because I know I can't do it alone for extended periods of time without a tool to help me." The surgery is that tool. If you don't like it, too bad. It's my life and I'm doing what's right for me. You do you, and let me do me.

What to call this transformation of body, mind, life, and spirit? I'm going to embrace my curves, my goddess's body. I'm going to love my soft luminous complexion, that I get many complements on. And my hair isn't mousy and neither are my eyes, they're gorgeous and warm. What am I calling it? I'm calling it a comeback.